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View Full Version : I have a rendezvous with destiny



Ambient Black
05-08-2013, 02:32 AM
At a little under 21 years old, I have never been able to feel proud of myself. I've stared a small business with my dad, subcontracted out a multi million dollar property, taken care of horses, cleared a 16 acre lot of trees before helping build a 3 story home, Attended a military college for a while, taken care of a preggo, Graduated from John F Kennedy Special Warfare Center on Ft Bragg, NC for the Army, lost 60 lbs before doing so. Sent money I didn't have to friends that needed it (a thousand or so), travelled across Europe and made friends across the world. Yet I cant look in a mirror and feel proud of myself. It's a certain emptiness of soul and character I cannot fill, no matter the accomplishment. I never can look in a mirror and tell myself "That is a man who has accomplished a lot". Its an inborn desire for achievement that only grants a momentary satisfaction. I feel as if everybody else always does more than me, accomplishes more. It could be a guy that sits in his trailer, but if he has a family and a kid it is something I am envious of. Here is a stable man- love, happiness, stability. He works as a repairman, has a home he owns himself, a car he fixed himself, and a loving wife. As a 6 foot 4 man of reasonable muscle mass, and a mixed martial artist, I figure I would have a reason to hold my head high in public, to at least have a little pride. I feel no such pride and am a bit ashamed at my insecurity. It drives me insane, so I figured this the best place to ask those of you veterans of life. I know there are a great many of you older than me. What the hell am I looking for? Maybe one of you has a little insight I could use. I could care less at this point as to how I appear, it's a yearning for something more and I need direction on where to go. What to strive for.

GhostHammer
05-08-2013, 02:37 AM
Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.

Ambient Black
05-08-2013, 02:45 AM
Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.

I don't follow. What do you mean?

GhostHammer
05-08-2013, 02:48 AM
It seems simple to me. You've done a lot by "normal" standards, but "nothing" by your standards. I'd wager your lost. You don't know what you want to accomplish, hence you haven't met "your standards" that would make you feel like you're where you want to be.

OurNewProgress
05-08-2013, 02:48 AM
Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.

this guy...this guy gets it

Ambient Black
05-08-2013, 02:53 AM
It seems simple to me. You've done a lot by "normal" standards, but "nothing" by your standards. I'd wager your lost. You don't know what you want to accomplish, hence you haven't met "your standards" that would make you feel like you're where you want to be.

I do not intend to say it was a lot..or look arrogant or anything.

I am sort of lost as to what I want to do with myself at this point. Nothing so far has given me any sort of emotional satisfaction or well being. (Also, to clarify. Not my child. Was taking care of somebody else's in case that becomes an issue of concern making it look like I wouldn't care for my kid or something)

GhostHammer
05-08-2013, 02:58 AM
I do not intend to say it was a lot..or look arrogant or anything.

I am sort of lost as to what I want to do with myself at this point. Nothing so far has given me any sort of emotional satisfaction or well being. (Also, to clarify. Not my child. Was taking care of somebody else's in case that becomes an issue of concern making it look like I wouldn't care for my kid or something)

Not at all. People are either impressed or unimpressed by others accomplishments based on their views. For example, we would view 9/11 as a horrible thing, where as Terrorists would be impressed with what was done. Same principle. To the average person what you've done really is both honorable (In the child situation) and impressive (Getting yourself an education.)

It's standards. What is "good" or "rewarding" for you is different than others.

This is why I think you're lost. You need to find out what makes you happy. What is it you want to do with your life? What type of legacy, what kind of footprint you want to leave on this planet when you leave at the end. What waves will you make? What paths will you blaze? That is what you need to find out. Once you do, then you can set goals. Get a heading. Find a direction to travel in.

You can only find that if your lost. If you're not lost, you know where you are, you know where you're going. Be happy. Being lost means you're searching for your shoreline to get yourself home to where you as a human belong.

Ambient Black
05-08-2013, 03:07 AM
Not at all. People are either impressed or unimpressed by others accomplishments based on their views. For example, we would view 9/11 as a horrible thing, where as Terrorists would be impressed with what was done. Same principle. To the average person what you've done really is both honorable (In the child situation) and impressive (Getting yourself an education.)

It's standards. What is "good" or "rewarding" for you is different than others.

This is why I think you're lost. You need to find out what makes you happy. What is it you want to do with your life? What type of legacy, what kind of footprint you want to leave on this planet when you leave at the end. What waves will you make? What paths will you blaze? That is what you need to find out. Once you do, then you can set goals. Get a heading. Find a direction to travel in.

You can only find that if your lost. If you're not lost, you know where you are, you know where you're going. Be happy. Being lost means you're searching for your shoreline to get yourself home to where you as a human belong.

I feel a deep need to see people happy, but am not happy myself. Was going to try to be a medic, but considering my inborn nature to take responsibility for things I don't have control over, the loss of anyone would weigh heavily on my conscious. I missed a deployment with my unit because of afore mentioned training, was not put on the battle rostor for that one, and seeing them come back all scared up brings deep feelings of guilt at me not being there. I wish to be reliable, to help people, but seeing friends of mine distressed and unhappy brings those deep feelings of guilt and responsibility. These are people I care for, and even with the afore mentioned things I am in no position to support or help them. By the time I reached a stable state- it might be a choice between living my life stable and growing it, or getting rid of it all to see a friend unburdened by the hardships of life (A price I would pay gladly). It's getting there that is the problem. So many directions and so many choices with so many people who might be made or broken by those descisions. How would I possibly live with myself if I failed on an endeavor that might mean everything in the end?

GhostHammer
05-08-2013, 03:16 AM
I feel a deep need to see people happy, but am not happy myself. Was going to try to be a medic, but considering my inborn nature to take responsibility for things I don't have control over, the loss of anyone would weigh heavily on my conscious. I missed a deployment with my unit because of afore mentioned training, was not put on the battle rostor for that one, and seeing them come back all scared up brings deep feelings of guilt at me not being there. I wish to be reliable, to help people, but seeing friends of mine distressed and unhappy brings those deep feelings of guilt and responsibility. These are people I care for, and even with the afore mentioned things I am in no position to support or help them. By the time I reached a stable state- it might be a choice between living my life stable and growing it, or getting rid of it all to see a friend unburdened by the hardships of life (A price I would pay gladly). It's getting there that is the problem. So many directions and so many choices with so many people who might be made or broken by those descisions. How would I possibly live with myself if I failed on an endeavor that might mean everything in the end?

There is a reason people on a plane are instructed to secure their own mask in an emergency before assisting others. If you can't breathe, you can't put that mask on your child, friend, wife, husband, brother, sister, etc. You can't take care of others if you are not taken care of yourself.

You need to become stable. You need to focus on you at this point. Find your direction, and move towards it. Take others out of the equation, you will be able to help them no matter which direction you go.

In terms of feeling responsible, don't. Once you're stable, help others to become stable. Ensuring they always rely on you or another for help all the time makes them unable to stand on their own. By allowing this, you'll only prevent them from becoming what they are meant to be.

Yourself first. Others second. Once you're taken care of, you're able to help a lot more people.