At a little under 21 years old, I have never been able to feel proud of myself. I've stared a small business with my dad, subcontracted out a multi million dollar property, taken care of horses, cleared a 16 acre lot of trees before helping build a 3 story home, Attended a military college for a while, taken care of a preggo, Graduated from John F Kennedy Special Warfare Center on Ft Bragg, NC for the Army, lost 60 lbs before doing so. Sent money I didn't have to friends that needed it (a thousand or so), travelled across Europe and made friends across the world. Yet I cant look in a mirror and feel proud of myself. It's a certain emptiness of soul and character I cannot fill, no matter the accomplishment. I never can look in a mirror and tell myself "That is a man who has accomplished a lot". Its an inborn desire for achievement that only grants a momentary satisfaction. I feel as if everybody else always does more than me, accomplishes more. It could be a guy that sits in his trailer, but if he has a family and a kid it is something I am envious of. Here is a stable man- love, happiness, stability. He works as a repairman, has a home he owns himself, a car he fixed himself, and a loving wife. As a 6 foot 4 man of reasonable muscle mass, and a mixed martial artist, I figure I would have a reason to hold my head high in public, to at least have a little pride. I feel no such pride and am a bit ashamed at my insecurity. It drives me insane, so I figured this the best place to ask those of you veterans of life. I know there are a great many of you older than me. What the hell am I looking for? Maybe one of you has a little insight I could use. I could care less at this point as to how I appear, it's a yearning for something more and I need direction on where to go. What to strive for.
FC Media Links