All of Jay-Z's 99 problems

**VerbotenDonkey** · 05-12-2012, 10:22 PM

If a mod/admin can space these correctly by making one per line that would be awesome so they're easier to read. I would but i'm mobile and that would take forever x.x. Thanks.

1.) I can never decide between my purple and my green Bugatti Veyron.
2.) I left my dam coffee cup on the coffee table and now I have to walk three hours to my living room to get it.
3.) One of my six maids called out sick and so now I have to put the dishes in the dishwasher myself.
4.) I just ran out of shampoo in the shower and now I have to grab a bottle from one of my other 5 showers.
5.) I need to hire a body builder to carry my keychain because of how many vehicles I own.
6.) When the police pull me over, they always assume that I am a foot taller because I'm sitting on my wallet.
7.) I can never tell which one of my 5 smart phones is ringing.
8.) I'm trying to fund his campaign and the president won't answer his dam phone.
9.) Life is so boring because I'm running out of shit to achieve.
10.) I can't masturbate anymore because my imagination can't even imagine someone hotter than my wife.
11.) I was going to buy my daughter Katt Williams for her first birthday toy, but they said it would be illegal.
12.) I try to be humble and give away some money, but I go to bed every night worth more than when I woke up.
13.) At night I stare at the ceiling and think about how many countries have less money than I do personally.
14.) I can't sleep so I count sheep, but it always makes me think of how wool is doing on the nasdaq and then reminds me I'm allergic to it.
15.) I can't ask people on the side of the road for directions because the swarovski crystal in my watch keeps blinding them.
16.) The movie theatre in my house isn't IMAX yet, and all I own is IMAX reels.
17.) I have a friend of mine who lives with me, but I never know which one of my houses he's staying at.
18.) The price of jet fuel these days is killing me.
19.) The helicopter inside my helicoptor doesn't have enough room in it for another helicopter.
20.) I withdrew all my money from a bank once and it crashed the economy.
21.) Whenever I wake up I have to roll over 9 times to get out my bed.
22.) My stupid butler keeps hanging my necklace from the ceiling because he thinks it's a chandelier.
23.) It takes hours for me to have a burger at my house because they have to kill the cow right there and shit.
24.) Whenever I touch my front door knob I get static electricity from the god dam red carpet entrance.
25.) Billionaire white men won't stop texting me.
26.) I haven't even had time to see what 24 bedrooms in my house look like.
27.) There's no camera lens wide enough to take a full picture of my swimming pool.
28.) Everytime I go to Cabo San Lucas I leave my Cashmere Cardigan.
29.) I can't even get to the 9th hole in a round of golf without somebody asking me to invest.
30.) I can never get black napkins at resteraunts and so I always wind up with white paper lint on my black Armani.
31.) I always buy flatscreen TV's so big that there is never a dam wall mount big enough for it.
32.) The water in my jacuzzi is always either too hot or not hot enough.
33.) The satellite on my yacht constantly keeps losing reception.
34.) My friends always fight over who gets to drive the rolls royce.
35.) Everytime that one of my maids is vacuuming I can't here the dam basketball game.
36.) 5 star resteraunts are getting really old, fast.
37.) My Habano Cigar ashes keep falling down over my cuff links.
38.) I keep spilling caviar on my ascot.
39.) Whenever I go to the ritz-carlton they're all out of ocean view suites.
40.) The neighbors cats are always falling in to my gigantic waterfoutain statue.
41.) The 12 armed security men who walk with me everywhere can never take a joke.
42.) I arrive late everywhere because my limo diver takes forever to get through New York traffic.
43.) My wallet never closes right because there's too much cash in it.
44.) Everytime I make a house of cards out of my credit cards some asshole knocks it over.
45.) I can never buy anything at the mall because I already own everything.
46.) I can never find a good dessert wine to go with french goat cheese.
47.) I keep getting lost in my walk-in closet.
48.) My reverse censors in my mercedes s600 broke and now I have to back up using my dam mirrors.
49.) People on wall street want my autograph and black people in the hood want to kill me.
50.) Nobody buys my music anymore because my fans know I don't need the money.
51.) The landing strip at Saint Barts Island Airport does a number on my private jet.
52.) The battery in my key died, so now I have to stick the dam key in the lock like a neanderthal.
53.) The elevator keeps breaking in a skyscraper I own, so I have to keep taking the stairs.
54.) I always have to tip someone with hundreds because I never have smaller bills on me.
55.) I hate it when they don't take American Express when I don't earn miles with my Platinum Visa.
56.) I can't buy the new ferrari because the seats only come in cloth, and I won't settle for anything less than leather interior.
57.) There's not enough room in my beach house garage to park the 5 cars I want there.
58.) Everytime I plan a vacation to Bora Bora I have to do a stupid photoshoot for the cover of a magazine.
59.) I always get spam phonecalls from Visa asking me to apply for their new uranium card.
60.) I have to have six stock brokers, 14 doctors, 17 accountants, 2 lawyers, and 6 other lawyers to watch those lawyers.
61.) 50 Cent hates me because I never tip him when he delivers my newspapers.
62.) Lil Wayne is mad at me because he makes less money than I pay his mother to wash my laundry.
63.) Wiz Khalifa keeps sending me hate mail because the car I only use to drive to my mailbox is worth more than his net worth.
64.) Kanye never gets the illuminati handshake right.
65.) Dame Dash won't stop begging me for a job, though I keep telling him, read a few books and you'll be qualified to scrub my toilets. 66.) Jcole keeps thinking I'm gonna make him famous, when the motherfucker needs to make himself famous.
67.) I keep getting voicemails from Flo Rida because he wants to quit rap and hedge my bushes to make more money.
68.) The Bank Vault in my house is so secure I keep locking my own self out of it.
69.) I can't ever go to New Jersey without being shot at because I bought their basketball team and moved them to Brooklyn.
70.) My persian cat won't stop shedding on my horchow love seat.
71.) I keep losing the backs to my diamond earings.
72.) I can never beat LeBron James in online poker.
73.) Every day I have to live with the fact that Babe Ruth made the Yankee hat more famous than I did.
74.) Kanye West's emotionally fragile phone calls in the middle of the night are worrisome.
75.) Universal Pictures and Dreamworks keep asking me to screen their dam movies in my own home movie theatre.
76.) Everytime me and Denzel Washington go out to eat he sticks me with the bill.
77.) I hate going to art auctions because Warren buffet keeps outbidding me on every priceless painting I want.
78.) It kills me that '"The black Album" wasn't an original title.
79.) Whenever I go skiing in Aspen, I look like an idiot because I suck at Skiing.
80.) Every time I think of song lyrics, Biggie gets stuck in my head, which is why I have so many of his lyrics in my shit.
81.) No matter how hard I try I can never come up with a verse better than Eminem.
82.) Rich snobby white people who don't listen to rap still look at me funny in fancy restaurants, even though they have no idea I could buy the place.
83.) Every time I drop my wallet it creates crater holes in the ground.
84.) Everytime I walk down the street, women keep fixing their hair in my Gucci dress shoes.
85.) I can never decide between the $500 table with grey goose or the $600 table with champagne.
86.) My golf clubs never fit in the dam trunk of my Aston Martin.
87.) One of my maid's maids got deported and so now she has to clean her own area in the back house by herself, having less time to clean my mess.
88.) Even though my clothing line is making huge money, I'm super irritated that nobody is purchasing with my action figure.
89.) Nelly keeps borrowing my Xbox games and never returning them.
90.) The Basketball team I own can't play for shit.
91.) I can never feel challenged because everything is so god dam easy.
92.) My 3 pet bears keep getting loose and mawling children costing me millions in lawsuits.
93.) The only pair of sunglasses that ever looked good on me I lost and now life isn't worth living.
94.) I get arrested everytime I am standing within 5 miles of a foodstamp line.
95.) I have to spend millions on security guards to protect my daughter from assassins, because it's already been decided she is to be the first black female president.
96.) Me and beyonce hate dirty money, so after making love on a bed full of hundreds, it takes us hours to throw them all in the garbage afterwards.
97.) Valet's always want autographs and I can never find a parking spot big enough to fit my Maybach.
98.) I hate it when my Perrier-Jouet Chapagne goes flat.
99.) I have carpal tunnel syndrome in my wrist from all the checks I endorse.